#i'm sad i'm uncool i'm unpopular

[eliotheeangelis]

f1blr i love you and one day you'll love me back

[donnerpartyofone]

I keep thinking about this experience I had where it was apparent that somebody was attracted to me, and after I learned a little more about him I realized that he was chiefly attracted to a quality I find pretty repulsive and that was definitely not something I deliberately cultivated, that was in fact something I struggle to suppress. And even though I had no interest in that person I had all sorts of strange feelings about this experience: On the one hand I really resented that someone would like me for a reason I found pretty gross, and this made me feel fetishized or something in a way that was very uncool in my view. Then on the other hand I wondered if I was just being a snob and I should realize that everything about oneself can be lovable...and inevitably I'd just swing back to finding the whole thing kind of insulting. It's like being told, I don't know, "I love how dirty you are and how bad you stink," the fact that the speaker means it as a high compliment doesn't mean you have to appreciate it, just as you're under no obligation to be grateful for attention in general. Plus I don't think I can do the whole unconditional love of the entire self thing, I think self-criticism is what actually drives me to improve and become more aware and responsible. And then there's matters of taste, he has a right to his preferences and so do I even if mine seem more judgmental or "negative" or something.

My last shrink, who was so incompetent that she triggered a rolling psych episode that got kind of scary, would do this abject positivity thing to me that literally made me crazy. I'd be trying to untangle some difficult experience and she'd just bombard me with all this stuff about what a good person I am or "what if it's not YOU that's wrong, what if THE WORLD is wrong!", and I'd think...OK fine but that's beside the point? I just wanted to talk through this thing that fucked me up but never mind, you're right, I'm OK You're OK and as long as we agree on that then nothing is worth discussing. And then I was trying to talk to her about how I used to have this major dysfunctional behavior that was derailing my life and I recognized this and got control of it and I'm really proud of myself for that, and my shrink just kept going "But why are you saying behavior X was BAD? Why does it have to be WRONG?" like she was really sad and disappointed that I was criticizing myself and I just wanted to scream in her face It's bad BECAUSE I SAY SO! I'm the one who was harmed by it WHICH I JUST TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT and that's a perfectly good reason for me to say it was WRONG!

TL;DR:

1. Sometimes things about yourself are crummy and it is totally rational and even a form of self-care (🤢) to judge these things and want to change them.

2. Don't involve people in your fetishes if they aren't expressly interested; this includes just making it kind of obvious that you like a casual, platonic acquaintance for an unpopular sexual reason. It may not make them feel as complimented as you personally think it should.

[tumblunni]

Oh also cos i'm headcanoning Allnyta as a social anxiety human who died, itd probably be repetitive to give that to Hidabat too. Tho i do like the idea of friendly mentally ill ghosts haunting living people with the same problem and trying to help their life become better.

So maybe he was actually... A socially anxious bat!

Like he was just a lil normall bebby animal who was very shy and lonely. Maybe his parents were killed by predators and he was too scared to leave his cave ever again because of the trauma, even if it meant starving to death. Because yeah if you have social anxiety in the wild you'd probably have an even tougher time than humans do :(

So anyway now he's very new to the whole human world and thats why he got so immediately enamoured with our fancy modern inventions like videogames! *plays 1 hour of animal crossing* *hugs lil happiness box* "this was worth dying for"

But possibly it also makes him quite sad because he cant relate much to other animals anymore, since he died so young and has grown up haunting humans. Maybe he started losing his ability to understand animal speech as he got older. And i dunno maybe he'd evolve into a more humanoid looking vampire? But he still always has a deep empathy for the tough life of animals, and tries to do his best to help save them from his own sad fate. Possibly a lot of other animal yokai have fond memories of this weird lil monster kid that gave them food when they were struggling in life. Perhaps that could be like his bonus extra power compared to other hidabats? He just always knows a friend of a friend animal yokai literally anywhere and theyre always like "aww did i would do anything to repay the favor, ur such a sweetheart". Like he just does so many good deeds wherever he goes that he has this complex web of interconnected favors all over the yokai world, while being totally unaware of it. And probably also loads of humans he can call on for favors too cos theyre friends of him or his sister on various online games. He's like "man im so uncool and unpopular i totally dont have any friends" *oblivious to the fact that everyone who meets him cherishes him forever*

JUSTICE FOR HIDABAT YO!!!

Wait i just realized i kinda did just create a better version of Onion Jim who has character traits other than JUST "is a child" and "is cute". Damn, im sorry onion jim ur mascot status has been usurped!!!

FRIENDS…

Two more yokai designs i really like and wanna get on my team and also they probably possess me in real life. The yokai of social anxiety and the yokai of playing videogames all night!

I think maybe they would be gamer buddies and/or maybe a cute lil brother big sister duo? Its funny how every time i bump into a yokai that has a canon gender on their profile its always the opposite of what i headcanoned. Tho it doesnt make sense that the whole Allnyta line would always be men forever, so i guess maybe it means the one that appeared in the anime was a dude Anyway i have for no reason decided to make an oc who is a girl, and also she has babby bat bro who play the viddygame together. Maybe something extra cute where this bat yokai shyfriend was hiding in her closet before she died, and then when she became a yokai too she was able to help him come out of his shell and be the good fambly that he needs. Like one of those “hey i dont take care of myself but you need to take care of yoyrself” type friendships? “Do as i say and not as i do!” Allnyta is always super lazy except when it comes to cooking big breakfasts for her lil bro and supporting him in everything. And hidabat is always paralyzed by his shyness except when he needs to help protect his big sis! Theyre an odd sort of pair who both have similar problems yet work to counteract each other instead of making it worse. There’s really no reason it works this way except just Power Of Fambly Is Strongest Of All

Oh also cos sadly Allnyta is a yokai i cant get until later in the series, maybe Mallory catches Hidabat in her first adventure and he’s always all like “help me find my awesome big sister that totally exists”. And he boasts so much about her that everyone is super underwhelmed when they finally meet her and she’s Super Depression Tiredness Woman, Master Of The Bad. Tho hidabat still insists she’s the greatest and most powerful yokai! He’s all like “sis, help me defend your honor!” “*yawn* i do not care” (but if anyone besmirches her bro’s honor she’s suddenly Never Been More Awake And More Powerful Fists)

I love them alreadyyyyy

[chatty-apples]

I'm deleting my authenticity

It was during an acting exercise that I’ve fully understood it. There were fainted signs of it in the day to day background before, but it was then when that wall of acknowledgement hit me right in the face. And brought my idea of self to hell.

“Write the most beautiful or sad words you’ve ever heard or said to someone in a few post-its”, one of the acting teachers said to all of us participating at the session.

Even though a rather intimate act of reflection, the task was pretty easy to do as these kinds of verbal exchanges always stick on our soul like a gum left for weeks and years under a pupil’s desk. So I’ve chewed up my memories into the words that made my emotional strings play the happy and sad moments shared with people in my life.

Within each round we all had to repeat the same words from a given post-it until a person sitting on a turned chair would stop the game when he resonated with one’s performance. Authenticity was vital for the exercise, you really had to feel the pain, sorrow, love or joy of  the “I miss you”, “I’m sorry” or “Go f@#k yourself” written on the post-it.

But with my heart exploding of emotion, with all the feelings running deep in my veins I never was good enough. My serious hard voice would never cover the lovely feminine vocal waves of other colleagues. And it hurt like hell. My eyes and throat were on fire because even though every bit of myself was trembling with emotion and my behaviour was the same as it would have been in the imagined situations, I was never good enough. I was told that I’m not even trying.

And that’s when I realized more intensely that sometimes faking it well is better received than actually feeling it but not according to other’s standards. Maybe if my authenticity doesn’t stand on high heels and isn’t wrapped in pink dresses, maybe if I don’t laugh in a way or if my voice isn’t playful in another way I’m not authentic.

So be it then! I made a pact with myself after that acting session. I’ll just come to terms with deleting this socially approved authenticity and be my uncool self. At least it’s my unpopular happiness that I’m working on and not the authentically shallow polished instagram image.

Did you ever feel that your authenticity hasn’t been appreciated by others?